Last Hope by Paramore
You know you’re not exactly right when you get scared at the vibration of your phone alerting you that you actually have a text message.
Not thinking anyone truly gives a damn has got you apprehensive over something that you actually wish and want.
It doesn’t do me any good to feel,
And we can’t shape our feelings the right way,
Until we learn things won’t ever change no,
Oh there must be a way to understand the things you say,
Without letting it get to me
Here we are again…
It’s just laughable when you hit your lowest the day before valentine’s day. It really is.
I hate feeling like this. I really do.
But it just won’t stop. Like singing your favorite song. You do it without even trying to. It’s unconsciously done. It’s hard to deal with. The fall.
The thoughts that you know are pure evil. You think them anyway and it hurts and you try over and over to pretend that “hey, it was a slip on my part and I’m good.” You’re not.
It’s a lie and that is what’s hardest to deal with. Living in that lie and pretending. You can try to not feel it but it’s always there nagging until you accept it as the truth.
That’s what this disease is and what it’s doing to me.
I know it’s far from accurate but it’s feels better than admitting that I feel lower than the times before that. I feel just as alone as the worst time.
It just hurts.
my facade has crumbled.
Experiencing triggering for the first time really since last night. I didn’t do anything about it. But I feel like I am dwindling and I can’t keep it off my face. I talked to really one person today about it and it didn’t really help much. My facade cracked much easier than it has before. I’m usually good at keeping a face and not making people worry about me.
Today many people noticed that I was really not me and they aren’t technically people I can say are my best friends but they are people who see me more often than not.
That is scary to have people being able to see me in a dark place. I try not to let it happen but it did and it makes me feel ten times worse because of it.
I woke this morning and contemplated just staying there instead of getting dressed for work and going in. I wasted more time in my head feeling hopeless all day today and I just want to not be around people.
I can have moments where people make me laugh and everything seems okay but it’s really back to pretending after that. My whole being is just weeping in despair and that hurts a bit more when others can tell than all the times before when no one could.
I’m affected by it, honestly.
I really am in pain right now and it just feels like it’s going to take a whole lot more than time for me to pick myself back up.
A part of me wants to just wallow in this and let people see that I am just like everyone else, I hurt - sometimes more so than most people. Then I realize that I don’t want to be transparent and worry people.
It’s usually me being the worrier. It’s just hard for me to deal right now. I just really want to isolate myself again…even if it doesn’t help.
I am not doing okay.
my limbo.
I go to that place where I think I don’t count more often than not lately. I am back in the middle tethering between being okay in my sadness and being completely unsure of whether if I fall will it be such a bad thing.
Not talking suicide again just being okay with being unwanted.
I’ve been having these moments where it almost feels like I am breathing like a normal human being and not thinking about how completely unsure I am of everything. Then it goes away and I am stuck almost in limbo.
Not sure which way I’ll be leaning to tomorrow or the next day but I am here still. Still alive. Still me.
